‘I’m getting married in the morning’
Real Families column
by Sara Wenger ShenkPrint Article Email to a Friend
Must be the time of life, but it seems I’m hearing about, participating in or officiating at weddings every time I turn around: weddings in my family; weddings of colleagues’ children, church friends, cousin’s children; weddings of seminary students, of widowed friends. When I stop to think about it, I can tick off 20 recent or upcoming weddings I’m aware of. And from what I know about many of them, I’m struck both by their taken-for-granted sameness and by the way each is intriguingly unique.
As a lay ethnographer who loves to watch what people do, I wish I could listen in on the private conversations that eventuate in these public events. What is it that couples say to each other about why they want this or that to be part of their wedding? What are their conversations with parents about money, venue, food and who is invited? Who gets the “upper hand” in determining style and scale of the production? How prominent is the role of the pastor or officiant?
I’d love to listen in on these conversations to see what values inform the decisions made, who’s calling the shots and why, what purposes are being served, who will be impressed and for what reasons?
I’ve observed as I watch and hear about weddings that there often seems to be a script behind them, a script that turns many of them into a main-stage drama, complete with costumes, lights, stage props, sound effects, memorized lines, a photographer (director) that stages every angle—and a cast party. I wish we’d reflect more as families and churches on who is writing that script and why.
Some couples are marvelously creative with the script. I love it that weddings provide an opportunity for a couple (and, more or less, a family) to say to the public who they are and what matters to them. It is like an enacted story, a drama. It is a splendid moment to tell the gathered community: This is who we are and this is what we love, complete with pageantry, beauty, solemnity, food, song and sometimes dance. While the script may define certain features of the wedding, not all couples are unreflectively manipulated by it. Rather, they’ve examined each feature to see whether or not it authentically enacts the drama of their unique life together.
I wonder of late whether we’ve gotten carried away with the pageantry. Weddings have turned into such major productions that people I talk to sometimes seem daunted by them, not sure they’re up to managing such a major display. Rather than a simple celebration of a man and woman’s covenant to each other before God and the community, weddings as main-stage productions have taken on a life of their own—for better or worse; for richer or poorer.
I’m reminded of our wedding, some 32 years ago. Our young adult friends now call it a “hippie wedding.” It was outdoors, under a huge spreading elm tree in my parents’ backyard. My sister-in-law made my dress, on which I embroidered colorful flowers. I wore a garland of flowers in my waist-long hair. Gerald wore a purple vest I had made. There were no fancy attendants, no paid musicians, no official pastor. We asked Gerald’s cousin to get only action shots. We didn’t want any posed photographs, since they often seem to become more important than the ceremony itself.
We picked day lilies that morning to use in baskets. We served coffee and donuts as people arrived. We welcomed the 100 or so gathered friends and family. Both sets of parents spoke on Scripture and love. We told the story of our relationship and spoke the vows we’d written to each other. There was singing, complete with my dad’s harmonica accompaniment. We invited folks from the audience to provide us with encouragement and counsel, which they did. We had a picnic afterward, served by women from the local firehall. We enjoyed pastries baked by friends instead of a wedding cake. Afterward, Gerald’s great aunt asked, “When were they married?” There had been no “I pronounce you husband and wife.”
A friend commented that it taught him the real meaning of church. Another said it was the most worshipful experience he’d had for some time. Another said, with tears, “It was so beautiful, so beautiful.” People thanked us for daring to be different and creative.
A couple months ago my dad said that when going through some old records he came across a page that detailed the expenses of our wedding on July 5, 1975. Want to guess what they were? he asked. He wrote: “My records note that the wedding costs for Sara and Gerald’s wedding were $337.97. I can itemize if you wish. The largest expense was Auxiliary Ladies $107. Sugar was the smallest at $2.78. Amazing, isn’t it?”
Sara Wenger Shenk is an author and serves as associate dean and associate professor of Christian practices at Eastern Mennonite Seminary, Harrisonburg, Va.
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Sara Wenger Shenk is an author and serves as associate dean and associate professor of Christian practices at Eastern Mennonite Seminary, Harrisonburg, Va.
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